Blues

I'm a dreadful blogger.  Almost four whole weeks since I've composed a single word - which isn't exactly true as I've started to write stuff but it seemed so depressing, so I thought not.  This time of year is a funny one, the excitement of Christmas mixed in with dark mornings and short bursts of sunlight.

I don't think I suffer from SAD but I do think it's at this time of year when your thoughts tend to be with friends and family who may not be having the best of times for lots of reasons.  Of course it's not all been doom and gloom, there have been birthday parties, a few impromptu drinks here and there and one or two unsuccessful shopping trips.

Also there was the annoying throat/chesty thing that felled me, which was completely my own fault and one that has only come about since smoking was banned in pubs - yes I'm blaming someone else for my teenage behaviour of having a quick fag in the freezing cold!  It's an annual thing now and the sensible thing is to stop which I have but only because I can't bear the hacking/choking in the middle of the night.  I know, terribly attractive.  The gym consequently had to be put on hold and my backside resumed it's usual heavy load. However yesterday after a hackless night's sleep I hit the gym and we're back on track - I feel loads better.

So last night we bought our Christmas tree, it's of the aromatic and non-drop kind of tree and my god it's lovely.  There's nothing fun about putting a tree up with two people who can be as OCD as Mr C and I are (please note this doesn't apply to everything in our lives, hence the reason we don't live in a show home!).  Anyway after a lot of "a little to the left, a little on the right" a lot of "just let me do it!!" and a bottle of Prosecco we finished the job.  It's very lovely and I just went to have another look at it while I was making a cup of tea.

Finally went to see Terence Rattigan's The Deep Blue Sea on Monday night.  It's set in early 1950's London, probably Hampstead and is beautifully shot.  It's not an upbeat film and could or has been a stage play.  Rachel Weisz who I think is such a brilliant and beautiful actress is amazing and at some point I thought I was looking at a young Charlotte Rampling.  Films like this always bring me out of whatever slump I may be in, the story may be pained but sometimes with films like this, they really are a thing of beauty and it was as if I was watching an artist paint a picture and the end result made my heart soar.

e·piph·a·ny - a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I've had a few of these in my life, unfortunately so far none of them have led me to discover a different approach to famine in the the third world (yet) but simply a way of approaching things differently in my world.

In my experience acting on an epiphany takes courage.  Being an adult in this big bad world can be a complicated and stressful existence.  One minute we're skipping along, hand in hand with our latest best friend and without a care in the world.  We have a roof over our head (but doesn't everyone have one of those??), a restaurant style service three times a day, an in-house maid who launders and irons our clothes and heaps of unconditional love.  A love that is never questioned or examined, a love that puts us to bed with a bed-time story.

Fast forward to the here and now.  You've left the five star hotel and the 24 hour support facility. We begin to form relationships with the only experience of love and friendship we've encountered to-date: unconditional, honest and open.  With our hearts wide open we encounter the not so nice people and get stung, it hurts, and for some of us we close the shutters on new experiences and stay closed for business, for evermore.  Now it's when I've felt sad or hurt that one or two of my epiphanies have occurred.

I've found it's so much easier to put on a smile and a lovely outfit and show the world that I'm fine when I've felt horrible inside.  You think you've got it all covered off and no-one can read your mind but the only person you're kidding is yourself.  Yes, you!  Beautiful you, you who were the apple of your parent's eye, you who were cherished and cared for and whose parents wanted nothing but your happiness.

So you want something else, you want to change things?  This is where you need courage. Change needs you to start thinking differently (a kind of re-wiring of your brain).  Stop worrying about who may be judging you and what others may think and start thinking about your own life and the things you want from it.   It will turn emotions on that you didn't know existed and will turn off the emotions that have been keeping you in status quo all this time.

Now my 2011 epiphany (as I said there's been a few over the years).  I used to run quite a lot but gradually stopped running due to a painful Achilles.  I swam for a bit but found it tedious and it didn't feel as exhilarating as a run did and then I just stopped exercising.  I was still the same dress size but with a few extra bumps here and there and as I think with a lot of people I thought why bother, there's always Spanx!  And then I had my epiphany moment, I had to start thinking differently about exercise because there's always going to be a bigger dress size and a pair of big pants to hold me in.


The incentive shouldn't be about weight loss it should be about your well-being. The weight loss should be an added bonus.  That big pumping heart sat squarely in your chest is a muscle that needs exercise and a well exercised heart is a better incentive than any diet.  I don't want high blood pressure or the inability to walk up a hill when I'm any age.  I certainly don't want a myriad of tablets to keep my natural body chemistry - natural!  

So after a decade or so of declaring that you would never find me in a gym, I joined one.  I realised there were machines in there that would give me the cardio-vascular work-out I needed without having to run.  Can I tell you that I was so nervous joining that gym, I felt so self-conscious, out of my depth, less than a novice and all I kept thinking was, I will not let these fears stop me from living a hopefully long and happy life.  

That's what fear does, it stops us from fulfilling all the things we so rightly deserve.  I signed on the dotted line and in all my nervous confusion got totally ripped off (inevitable) but this was soon rectified.  Guess what?  I'm not a gym freak but I go often, I may have lost a little weight but I have a great resting pulse and my brain lights up like a Christmas tree after my work-out.  The fear I faced that day has far outweighed the momentary feelings of self-consciousness and it has repaid me ten-fold.


Next week:  The Epiphanies I've Yet To Have... How to say No and mean it... No I don't want another glass of wine etc etc.